2017

My year in a nutshell. 

2017 has literally been a huge ‘fml’ moment for me. 

Way too many changes. 

- I snipped off my hair, and kept it short, something I thought I would never do because I always hid my insecurities behind my long hair. Now though, I feel like short hair was kind of my calling - it affected me in many ways, I felt as if I have finally found myself in a way. 

- I finally started my first full time job after graduation, and this huge leap into the corporate world is still hard for me to grasp now, nearly a year in. I’ve grown and learnt so much but the amount of toxic content that comes with this job has also drained my physically and mentally. And I hope that things can change with regards to this in the new year.

- 2017 was a year filled with travels (mostly impromptu short ones) and despite the numerous MCs and weeks of being horribly sick due to lack of rest, it also helped me learnt how much I love traveling. It’s the only thing that makes me feel free. A temporary release from the burdensome baggage that weighs me down every single day. 

- I got my first tattoo (definitely not my last) and for all the people curious, it’s a reminder to myself that I’m growing every single day. And I should be grateful for that and treasure my life, and never, ever self-harm again. 

- I lost the love of my life, my dog of 15 years, who has been with me since I was in elementary school. She was my lifelong companion. She was more precious to me than anything else in my life, she taught me how amazing it was to truly love so much and the pain that came with it too. She made coming home easier - she was home for me. It was so tough having to drag myself home every single day when the reason I lived and breathed wasn’t there anymore. The despair I felt the day I lost her still hits me like a freight train at random times. It still hurts - but i think I’ve come to learn that you never forget what you’ve lost, but it will always stay in your heart as a beautiful memory ♡

- I changed so much as a person. Sometimes I still get shocked when I look in the mirror - and when I say change, there are both sides to it.

/I’ve learnt to care less about the people that do not deserve me in their life, but in the process I am losing touch of a lot of my relationships with other human beings./

/I give everything I have to the people I treasure in my life and love them wholeheartedly, and yet it’s too much to the point where I’m compromising my own feelings and well-being./

/I’m getting used to being alone and becoming more independent, but I enjoy being alone so much it scares me because I tend to refuse to leave my shell./

/I tried my best to do everything I want to this year and live every day as if it was my last (travel, fangirling, spendings, decisions) and yet it’s affecting my mental and physical health because I’m struggling to juggle the different aspects in my life./

It has been a very, very tough year for me. 

Every single year on my birthday, I would wish for happiness. Now, I don’t even remember the last time I made a birthday wish. 

In 2018, I do not wish for happiness, I just wish that it will get a little easier to breathe. 

In 2018, I want to focus more on my physical health and mental well-being by taking all the measures I need. 

In 2018, I want to stop giving, stop trying so hard for others and put myself first.

In 2018, I hope that I’ll be a step closer to learning how to love myself, learning how to take baby steps, and taking slow breaths. 

그리고. 돈을 많이 벌고 저축하고 기회 있을 때 힘이 있을 때 지금 내 인생에서 이 모든 것이 버리고 떠날거야. 제발. 내 마지막 소원이다.